What's on your mind?
Lately, there’s been a phrase that appears to have become increasingly relevant, and popularized, day by day. So much so, that I found it appropriate to provide women with a sufficient amount of insight with regards to it. The phrase is as follows:
“Men aren’t mind readers”
Whether yesterday, today or tomorrow, every man has unquestionably identified with this phrase. Women, however, do not appear to share our perspective. So, I’d like to attempt to shed some light on how men think with hopes that we can better understand each other.
Arguments
Women, try to understand, as much as you may have in common with a man, we have an entirely different method of thinking. Often times, you’ll believe we don’t care or simply disregard your emotions but the truth is, we love you.
Example #1 : A man and woman argue. After 15 minutes or so, the man begins contribute fewer and fewer words. At this point, the woman begins to interpret this as a sign that he doesn’t care. Familiar phrases such as “you aren’t going to say anything?“ or “you must know I’m right, that’s why you’re not saying anything” begin to get thrown around. Truth is, men fully understand that whatever caused the argument simply cannot be changed, therefore, we see no point in arguing over something that’s in the past. Our method of thinking tells us that all we can do is focus on not repeating whatever the action was from this point forward. Simply put, we’d rather identify the problem, correct it for future reference and just move the hell on.
Example #2 : A long time ago, I was speaking with a female friend on the phone. Somehow, our conversation shifted into the direction of an argument. Out of anger and frustration, she ended the call while I was talking (hung up on me). I never called back. Five minutes later, she called and said “Why didn’t you call me right back?”, I went on to explain that I saw no purpose in calling back. Thru my perspective, she was angry and didn’t want to discuss it anymore (obviously since she hung up on me). Instead of “blowing up“ her phone, I chose to allow her to calm down and figured we’d continue the discussion later. She replied “when a woman hangs up on you, you’re suppose to call right back to finish the argument”. Ladies, please understand that once a man realizes a woman is upset, we realize communication will be quite ineffective. Our disregard of the conversation doesn’t reflect our feelings for you, simply just acknowledges that nothing will get accomplished under anger.
Example #3 : A friend of mine recently told me about a situation between him and his girlfriend. Evidently, they went to get some take out food, and he handed her a $50 bill to pay the $15 tab. In doing so, he noticed she never gave him the change. The next day, he asked her about it and she explained that she kept the change because she didn’t think he’d need it and also because she was broke. For the mere fact that he asked about it, she immediately thought he was being cheap. For all of you women who are applauding her, sucking your teeth in or saying “hell yeah he cheap“ right now, listen up. He went on to explain that the money wasn’t an issue by far. He clearly realized she needed the money, otherwise, she wouldn’t have kept it to begin with. She isn’t a forgetful person and let’s be honest, if you pocket someone else’s money it’s likely intentional. Thru his perspective, she could have simply talked to him and told him that she needed the money. His curiosity was simply peaked at why she didn’t feel she could be open enough to just say “Babe, you mind if I keep the change? I’m a little short on cash.” As a man, of course he would’ve agreed; he would’ve even given her another $50 or simply asked how much she needed. But instead, she assumed he was being cheap just because he asked about it to begin with. Keep in mind ladies, we’re your Man, we love you so yes, we will look out for you. If we’re with you then obviously we’ll have your back. All we require is simple communication.
-Finances
Probably one of the most debated topics. Money can serve as the lightning rod to tear apart a relationship or act as the fountain in which one uses to falsify one. Allow me to explain. As men, we see finances as a completely separate area from the relationship. What this means is that we don’t evaluate a woman’s finances as criteria for the selection process, but, we definitely observe your financial behavior. A woman’s finances only become relevant to us when we realize that she continues to ask us to “borrow” money. Ladies, a man frowns upon a woman who continues to need money. This is what will inevitably divert more of our attention to YOUR finances and how they‘re being managed. Let me be clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with an adult asking another adult for help. If your expenses exceed your income, the following doesn’t apply. For instance, I’ve had a female friend who was out of work and needed help; these types of things happen and as men, we understand and will do our part. But, if you have the latest iPhone, name brand clothes, hundreds of shoes, hair/nails and accessories but need money for your rent, we see a problem. Thru our perspective, you’re financially irresponsible or you must have a benefactor you’ve neglected to mention. Either way, we see error. Men’s minds have a way of prioritizing. This is another area where men and women share many differences.
Example #1 : With men, new phones, clothes, shoes, hair and accessories don’t take priority over paying the rent or doubling up on the car note. As long as we have clothes that keep us warm and are presentable, all is well. The latest fashion is irrelevant, timely bill payments are what matters most. What this means is that we manipulate a budget. A woman may visit a clothing store, notice a cute outfit and ask herself “Where can I try this on?”. A man may visit a store, notice a nice outfit and say to himself “I don’t really need a new outfit.“ We aren’t frivolous with our earnings as we comprehend the value of a dollar and are contentious of our spending habits. Yes, we will purchase clothes and shoes, but only after the bills are paid, never before.
Example #2 : Men take actions such as doubling up on the car note because thru our perspective, anything can and will happen. If a man gets a bonus at work, he’ll likely deposit half in his Savings account and use the rest to double up on the largest monthly bill. In all likelihood, the car note or rent. Doing so will provide a cushion when/if unexpected expenses arise such as engine maintenance or tire replacement(s). Since we’ve paid one month ahead, we can spare that $250-750 it’ll take to get those repairs done. In addition, this will assist with paying the total auto loan balance off quicker, which will reduce interest. We also like to ensure money is saved. Rather than go shop for all the latest goodies, we’ll put away some cash to provide that much needed cushion. Many women accuse us of being cheap or overanalyzing but, we’re only acting out of realism. Think about it ladies, why do you think we always have the money when you need it? Food for thought.
Example #3 : If a woman were to tell her man that she wants to go to Cancun, Mexico for a vacation, she’d typically have thoughts of the scenery and the ocean; in our minds, we’re thinking of the airfare, hotel costs, spending money and whether or not we can get the time away from work. We also focus on how this will affect the monthly expenses. Naturally, when we appear to not share the same enthusiasm as you, we’re labeled as boring, meticulous and inevitably CHEAP. Please be advised ladies, we definitely share the enthusiasm. We’d love to vacation with you, relax, see the scenery and most definitely get physical, but as a Man, we have to focus on affordability. We’re the financial quarterback with vacations (usually) so we HAVE to think this way.
-Opposite Sex Friends
Many women believe men are quite jealous. The truth is, men are simply protective. Argumentatively, being “protective” can be viewed as another way of describing jealously. But, the reality is, we really are just being protective. As a Man, we have to protect what we cherish (you, our family, etc). So naturally, when another man enters our space, our antennas tune in immediately. This can very easily be taken as jealously.
Example #1 : A man and woman are in a relationship. One day, while dining at a restaurant, one of her platonic friends from the past passes by their table. She stands and hugs the friend and the two begin to converse. During the hug, the friend held on to her a bit longer than platonically. Immediately, she notices her man’s facial expression tense up as she and the friend share a very “friendly” laughter thereafter. Respectfully, she introduces her man to the friend and they shake hands. The conversation is brief and the friend soon departs. Later, she casually asked why he tensed up when her friend passed by. Believing he was jealous, she assumed he developed an attitude because of it. Ladies, a man will be a Man. In our eyes, we didn’t see a platonic friend from the past. We saw a man who would like to have sex with you. Believing it’s virtually impossible to voluntarily have a platonic relationship with a woman, we will forever be suspicious of your friends motives. No insecurity at all. Although you may see a nice, gentle friend, we see a patient, opportunist who’s waiting for their chance. Contrary to women’s beliefs, there are only two reasons why a man would be content with a platonic friendship: He’s homosexual or a relative. We’ve typically been a “friend” in another woman’s life before so we comprehend certain things many women are naïve about. In other words, we’ve been that “friend” and done more than you may want to know about.
Example #2 : Women, adorably, believe a man can genuinely be a friend. Let me be the first to say, in no way, shape or form does a man prefer friendship over intimacy. If a man has accepted the fact that you two are friends, it’s because he’s utilized every possible resource and effort, with no success…yet. At this point, he realizes that friendship is the only option and is likely waiting/hoping for the opportune moment to initiate something. As much as you may believe he doesn’t view you in that fashion, he’s most likely thinking about it at this moment while you’re reading this. That being said, women, I'm willing to bet that if you were to go thru your phone right now, randomly choose 5 of your male friends and send each of them a text message asking if they’ll come over and have sex with you right now, 4 out of 5 will comply. Most of you may be a bit naïve but trust me, they’d be on their way before even replying to your text. As much as you may cherish the friendship and don’t want to ruin it, men understand that sex can occur without affecting the friendship, all thru something called communication. Men, on the other hand, would most definitely yield a more diverse set of results. If we sent a text to 5 of our female friends, the results would likely be as follows:
-one would immediately call us using several expletives
-one would block our number from that point on
-one would ignore it; take a snap shot; post it on a social media network (Facebook, Instagram, etc)
-one would show her friends and criticize
-one we'd never hear from again
No disrespect was intended, but again, different methods of thinking.
Example #3: A man and a woman are in a relationship. Months ago, she began making payments for a couch she wanted for her place. Intending to make the final payment this week, she falls about $500 short. Immediately, she asks her boyfriend, who's unable to give her the $500. So, she takes it upon herself to ask her male friend who is "like a brother". A week later, during a casual conversation, she tells her boyfriend she needs to be home early for the delivery of the couch. To his knowledge, she wasn't able to make the final payment so he causally asked how she managed to accomplish this, in short: where did she get the funds? She explained that her friend "gave" it to her. Their conversation began to tense as he was angered and disappointed that she made this decision. She, of course, believed he felt threatened by the friend.
Ladies, please understand, we may "size up" a man who enters our space but we most certainly never at all feel threatened. In our minds, you just inappropriately resolved an issue but simultaneously created another. Unbeknownst to you, very few men do favors for free. In our minds, accepting money from another man who isn't a relative or a banker is simply disrespectful. Many of you may say "Well, if you're my man and can't help then I have to find my own means". True, as your man we should be capable of picking up the pieces you aren't able to, however, we expect you to remain loyal and respectful. We expect you to exhaust all other options while ensuring that taking money from another man isn't on that list. As much as you see it as a simple gesture and completing a task where we fell short, just think, if you weren't able to have sex with us because you were on your cycle and we got it from one of our female friends, would that be ok?
Remarks
In closing, know that no one particular writing or conversation will ever fully explain the process that a man's mind travels. Nor a woman's. If our differences tell us anything, it’s that no friendship, relationship or marriage will work without communicating with one another. Sure, relationships are nothing without trust. But, without the communication element, relationships may never evolve to even establish trust. These things aren’t complicated, sometimes people just make it that way.